My favourite place to walk my dogs is Hadley Woods. As I enter, I feel as if I came into a temple. The trees above me create multiple domes and I can imagine a surrealistic painting of St. Paul’s Cathedral extended and mirrored above my head. I immediately relax, my senses sharpen and my lungs open. As I walk on tiny winding paths, observing the changes that occurred since yesterday my heart expands, I feel total bliss. I listen to the sounds of the woods, I look at the sky, the trees, fallen leaves, the earth and I try to notice and take in as much as I can.
As one would do in a temple, I pray, connect to God, my meditation witnessed by nature begins.
Today, my mind connects to the word ‘fear’ . I feel so safe in these woods, unaware of any dangers, connected to this place, trusting it. This is a completely irrational feeling, because in reality a woman is walking alone in the woods…what can go wrong? Should I be anticipating to experience something to go wrong?
Recently I read a poem by Khalil Gibran about a river trembling with fear before entering the sea. She has already made such a profound way flowing down from the peaks of the mountains. In her anticipation of a negative experience she is afraid of disappearing forever…
As a performing musician occasionally I connect to the fear of disappearing, being forgotten, and more recently – being cancelled because of my support for Israel and speaking up against antisemitism. My friends were warning me. Were they anticipating a negative experience?
As a woman, I often contemplate aging and how it affects my body, my looks. I question: what if I won’t be noticed any more, will I disappear? I already know the answer to these questions – Age is not counted in numbers, it is a feeling I have inside, a feeling of full acceptance and love wherever I am in my life.
As a mother, whose son will be leaving home soon to start his own life, I often contemplate on what it will mean in terms of our connection? What if I am not needed anymore? Another unknown on the list, which I can choose to anticipate to experience negatively or to live through it trustingly and see what happens.
I am not alone in these fears. My friends – musicians, parents among them, women of the same age – we talk about it, comfort and support each other. Balancing the fears with reality, hope and trusting our individual journeys. I am fortunate and grateful to have a tight group of friends, with whom I feel safe, thanks to their unconditional love, and a mutual fierce wish for me to be happy.
I come across a dead tree and connect to how quickly our minds are drawn towards possible negative, rather than possible positive scenarios first…
I examine further the ‘anticipating negativity’. I connect to the fear of disappearing, feeling small, when experiencing ridicule, shaming, disrespect, humiliation, bullying, gaslighting, as part of mental and emotional domestic abuse. I had a fair share of these experiences and in my current life I am observing it in different types of relationships around me. Partners, parents and children, co-workers, boss and employee, landlord and a tenant, a lodger and a landlord, a teenager and a parent, neighbours. Each individual situation, in their own experience equates in its magnitude to what is happening in the world right now.
Feeling all this sadness overwhelms me, I notice I start walking faster, as if trying to run away from something, I feel anxiety rising in my body and I have stopped noticing what is around me…I pause.
I find a bench under an oak tree and take a few deep breaths, slow down my racing mind, my fast-beating heart. Rain starts to fall gently on the leaves above me, the oak is protecting me. I take another breath and as I open my mouth to breath out – my grief comes out. Tears flood down my cheeks, I am sobbing. I start to feel a sense of relief, as if with each tear the pain is coming out. I learnt over the years to listen to my body and to take care of myself, by allowing my emotions to have an outlet. My favourite way is sharing it with another person or letting it out in the presence of nature. Writing this here, in my blog, on my website is my way to show a human, vulnerable side that enhances my Opera Diva persona.
I feel better, I am more present and here in the moment. It seems like the tears have cleared my vision. I notice the beauty around me even more acutely, it moves me deeply now. I become aware of my own inner beauty; it makes me feel fearless. I realise that the only ‘disappearing’ I need to be afraid of is losing myself…losing this awareness, this inner peace, this incredible connection to nature, to life, to people, to love, to gratitude, to this world, of which I am an important part of, to God in my heart.
I feel taller, my lungs are breathing easily, my heart has expanded and my mind is at peace. I want to sing now.
I don’t anticipate negative experiences. I am ready to face the unknown.
At the end of the poem the river realises that it needs to take a risk to enter the ocean, because only then the fear will disappear. Because it is not about disappearing into the ocean, it is about becoming the ocean…
A tree is rooted in the ground, connected to other trees, reaching for the sky, it is drawing its energy from the earth, from the sun and the air. It is alive and constantly changing and growing.
This is how I feel about ‘Music by Jack’s Lake’ summer concerts, while celebrating 4 years old birthday this year.
Since I moved to Barnet in 2017, Jack’s Lake has become my temple. I come here with my dogs to enjoy its beauty. I am lucky to observe how it changes throughout the year. From bare frosty trees, to first fluffy buds, ankle high mud, to yellow irises and white lilies, giant trees fallen in the storm and herons nesting, and a breathtaking palate of shades of green. I come here on my own to share my prayers, hopes and grieves – it is the nature that I find most inspiring, comforting and healing.
And now I run a music festival here, connecting the communities, creating and performing most imaginative programmes with incredible and inspiring world-class musicians. As well as supporting charities.
Our first concert was in the summer of 2021, with three friends, lithium battery and sunshine. We had an audience of 200, still wearing facial covers. Since I have invited Tessa Seymour – Royal Opera House orchestra (an incredible cellist), Charles Mutter – BBC concert orchestra (Tremendous violinist, pianist, viola player and is an incredible arranger), Michael Czanyi-Wills, who writes music for films and is an internationally acclaimed pianist and a celebrated piano/composition teacher, Jean-Kristoff Bouton – an acclaimed Operatic baritone, singing internationally, Judith Kelemen – an amazing viola player from BBC Concert Orchestra, David Sztankov – immensely exciting young talented horn player, Zika Nicolic – a thrilling accordion player.
I feel grateful to so many people who help me make ‘Music by Jack’s Lake’ happen and without whom my lovely idea will not have come to fruition. My wholehearted gratitude is to the musicians, who give their time and huge talents so generously. My huge gratitude goes to John Hall, whose belief in these concerts and enthusiasm are really what is making this festival reach the sky. I am immensely grateful to Roger De La Mer and all who volunteer their time, put so much thought into making it better and to help it run smoothly. Immense thank you to Jim Sorenson and to World Heart Beat Music Academy.
This year ‘Music by Jack’s Lake’ is proudly presented by Monken Hadley Trust I am also immensely grateful to the sponsors and benefactors, who’s generosity allowed me to bring in the best musicians and create an opportunity for the public to donate their contributions towards two charities. Monken Hadley Common Trust and Marcia Elton music bursary.
Marcia Elton helped me enormously when I came to London, to study at the Royal College of Music. We became friends until her death in 2017 and it is in her name that I have established this bursary, to help a young talented singing student to have singing lessons and workshops at World Heart Beat Music Academy.
A wise man once said: ‘Don’t look at the seed every day to watch it grow, trust it and water it plenty, it will all happen at the right moment’ I feel that this is exactly what has been happening to ‘Music by Jack’s Lake’
I consider these concerts a miracle, something positive that came out of the pandemic. I also consider each concert a miracle, because we all pray for the weather to be with us. And I want to also thank our wonderful audiences. People bring folded chairs, picnics and sometimes brave few drops of rain or slightly cooler conditions. I always receive such generous and warm feedback. This is an extraordinary experience with the backdrop of the lake being a perfect setting, with the sky above, the sun setting and the trees around creating a natural amphitheatre shape. There is a beautiful relaxing and uplifting live music and lots of families smiling. The most common feedback I get is that time stops here and all the racing of life becomes somehow easier. To me this is all a living, breathing organism of the community and I am so thrilled to be facilitating it and being part of it.
Our next concert is called ‘The Hope’. We will bring an exciting, familiar and new tunes from Cabaret/ Klezmer/Romantic music for accordion, violin, piano and voice. We might not change this world in one evening, but we will bring the multi-faith, diverse community together in nature and together we will pray through the music for peace. And with that we hope to send a ripple effect and inspire…
Can’t wait to see you there. Ilona
The devastating massacre scenes of October 7th reminded Jews and Israelis of the Holocaust.
The slaughter of innocent people in such a barbaric way, the glee with which the terrorists gloated about their evil actions – is the true genocide, Jewish ethnicity cleansing.
But it only served a reminder. Because October 7th for Israelis is very different. We don’t want to be reminded of the Holocaust. Israelis are not fearful jews, brought to their knees because they did not have a country and an army to shield them. Unlike unprotected Jews in diaspora, they have a country and they are fighting for it like lions and lionesses.
And here is the thing – to anyone who speaks of tolerance, against marginalisation, against violence, anyone who pretend to care about humanity, human, children and women rights – I want to say, do open your eyes and stop being shortsighted. This is much bigger than Israel/Gaza war! This is a different ideology, standing against the western values of civilization and Israel is fighting on your behalf.
And to the Jews who join in this betrayal, including the ones who attend the pro-Palestinian marches and the ones who are silent or call for ceasefire – What are you without Israel? If Hamas and extremists Islamic Jihadists were to come into power in your countries, where will you run to for protection? If the antisemitic mobs will knock at your door? Who do you think will protect you when you stand on your shaking knees – perhaps Hamas terrorists?
My gaze is turned towards Israel, a country where its people take care of each other, with their displaced citizens from the north and the south and hostages’ families. Where the army is fighting on two fronts – Gaza and Lebanon – while trying to keep order in the West Bank. Where even during the war, thousands of people go to rallies and demonstrations to protest in a democratic way against Netanyahu.
A country where parents need to find ways to explain to small children what a hostage is. Where children grow with PTSD spending their childhood in bomb shelters. Where Holocaust survivors bury their grandchildren and mothers bury their sons and daughters, who went to save our country, a country with endless funerals, where every day is a Remembrance Day. Where each person is playing their part in the horrific action movie that is shot daily. Because if they will stop, they will see the sun being erased from the sky and their hearts will start spilling through their eyes unconsolably.
When my heart breaks, I remember about love – I have a heart full of love. Israelis are united and that is love. We are all one, together. We don’t care if you like it or not – it is our incredible Jewish reality. Israel is where we belong! We protect our home, our heart, our love, the future of our children, the future of our happiness.
Israelis are not afraid, no one can break our spirit, shatter our soul, nor rape, murder, or burn our hope. Israelis are the Jews with fire in their bellies and courage in their hearts and iron swords in their hands.
We don’t have another homeland. Israel is our only hope – even if this hope grows from the ashes. Israel has the sun and knows how to dance in the ruins. I believe that now is the time for going towards the light, for searching for the truth. Israel knows how to follow the path of life, to life. #AmIsraelHai #Bringthemhomenow.
